the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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