yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I need water and some morals
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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