Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
