I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
