My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
