So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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