Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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