the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
