yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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