genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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