I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There was a lot of him and a little penis
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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