i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
