i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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