just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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