Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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