Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My liver just broke up with me...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
