i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
