i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
