I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
