Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
