I can text with my tongue
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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