But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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