and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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