You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
