hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
