I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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