Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
