You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
