He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
