U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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