I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
