the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
