Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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