dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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