the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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