I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
