I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
