at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
