Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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