sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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