I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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