Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
