nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
