I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
