Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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