you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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