he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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