I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
