Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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