I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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